In the grand tradition of Republican healthcare messaging—where compassion goes to die and euphemisms are slaughtered at the altar of cold, hard capitalism—Senator Joni Ernst of Iowa has delivered what may be the most refreshingly nihilistic soundbite since Congressman Alan Grayson’s infamous “Don’t get sick, and if you do, die quickly.”
At a town hall in Parkersburg, Iowa, where the air was thick with the scent of corn, desperation, and the faint whiff of a political career circling the drain, Ernst faced down a crowd of constituents who—foolishly—believed their government might give a damn whether they live or perish.
When one brave soul dared to suggest that slashing $700 billion from Medicaid might result in actual human casualties, Ernst shrugged and delivered the line that will surely be etched on her tombstone: “Well, we all are going to die.”
The crowd gasped. The universe sighed. And somewhere, Alan Grayson poured himself a stiff drink and muttered, “Damn, I’ve been outflanked.”
Ernst, ever the optimist, quickly clarified that she wasn’t encouraging death—merely acknowledging its inevitability, much like taxes, bad decisions, and the GOP’s undying love for corporate donors.
“What you don’t want to do is listen to me when I say that we are going to focus on those that are most vulnerable,” she continued, in what might be the most accidentally honest admission of Republican healthcare priorities since “Let them eat death panels.”
The Congressional Budget Office, that pesky killjoy of nonpartisan math, estimates that Ernst’s cheerful vision of the future would leave 8.6 million fewer Americans insured over the next decade. But hey, as Ernst so wisely reminded us—we all are going to die anyway. Why not speed up the process with a little fiscal responsibility?
Democrats, of course, seized on the moment like hyenas on a wounded gazelle. Ken Martin, chair of the DNC, declared that Ernst had “said the quiet part out loud,” as if the quiet part hadn’t been screaming in our faces since the first repeal-and-replace rally. Meanwhile, Grayson—now running for Florida State Senate—must be kicking himself for not trademarking “Die Quickly” when he had the chance.
Ernst’s defenders will argue she was merely stating a biological fact. And they’re not wrong. Death is inevitable. But so is stupidity, and yet we still try to educate children. The real question is whether the GOP’s healthcare plan has evolved from Grayson’s “Die Quickly” to Ernst’s “Die Whenever, We Don’t Care.”
One thing’s for sure: If Republicans keep this up, their next slogan won’t need words at all—just a skull and crossbones with the caption: “Good luck, peasants.”
Might as well enjoy the show and look at the bright side. President Donald Trump did not rule out pardoning Sean “Diddy” Combs when he was asked if the music mogul was found guilty of racketeering and sex trafficking.
And if that doesn’t make you laugh, well… we all are going to die.