If you don’t have Trump’s explosive diarrhea yet, New Jersey has opportunity to go around.

If you don’t have Trump’s explosive diarrhea yet, don’t worry. New Jersey has plenty to go around.

Bring your appetite. Bring your antacids. And for the love of all that is holy, bring a change of underwear.

Since May 1, the Centers for Disease Control has received reports of 4,173 confirmed domestic cases of cyclosporiasis across 41 states, with more than 7,400 additional cases under investigation.

That is the highest number of parasitic infections on record. Last year, at this same time, we had 249 cases.

This year, we have enough explosive diarrhea to fill the Meadowlands Racetrack, which is convenient, because that’s exactly where you can get it this weekend.

The Meadowlands Racetrack Seafood Fest kicks off Saturday at 5 PM, featuring lobster rolls, fried clams, shrimp tacos, and crab fries.

The Atlantic Highlands Music and Food Truck Festival follows Sunday with 19 gourmet food trucks, a beer garden, and the kind of family-friendly atmosphere that makes you forget your children will soon be experiencing their first gastrointestinal rebellion.

In Burlington, RnB At The Waterfront offers live music and line dancing, because nothing says “rhythm and blues” like the rhythm of your bowels abandoning ship.

The Jersey Fresh Peach Fest promises peach pies and homemade ice cream—a delightful prelude to the peaches that will be making a surprise return visit later that evening.

All of this is brought to you by the Trump administration’s Make America Healthy Again program, which is being administered by people who believe measles is preferable to the measles vaccine.

And they have the statistics to prove it—2,318 confirmed measles cases in 2026, the highest in 35 years, with vaccine coverage rates in at least 16 states dropping below 90%.

This is what happens when you put an anti-vaccine activist in charge of public health and call it a day.

The measles vaccine is 97% effective. The Make America Healthy Again agenda, by contrast, is 97% effective at making you sick, just in a different way.

The cyclospora parasite, for the uninitiated, is a microscopic organism that causes watery diarrhea, loss of appetite, bloating, nausea, and fatigue.

It is typically spread through contaminated fresh produce. One outbreak has been traced to shredded iceberg lettuce from Taylor Farms in central Mexico.

The administration’s response? They cut a landmark nutrition education program while simultaneously promising to Make America Healthy Again.

The EPA promised a formal environmental health agenda to address pesticides and chemicals. Eight months later, that agenda is nowhere to be found.

They did, however, roll back dozens of environmental regulations, because nothing says “healthy” like deregulating the very chemicals that give you diarrhea.

So this weekend, when you’re standing in line for that shrimp taco, remember: you are participating in a grand American tradition.

The government has failed you. The food supply is compromised. And the people in charge think a parasite is less dangerous than a shot.

At least the admission is free.

This is America. We used to put men on the moon. Now we put parasites in our lettuce and call it a health plan.